I have felt for quite some time that I was lacking a closer relationship with God. I was raised Southern Baptist and both my Grandmother's had me in the church every time the doors were open. I remember those warm fuzzy feelings I had on Sunday afternoons after Sunday school, church service and a dinner with the family. I miss those warm fuzzies and felt getting back into church might give me that connection with God and my family.
I have purposefully not been in quite a long time. I have been looking, but I could never find that special church where I would feel I fit in. Also, my family and I couldn't agree on a church either. My husband was looking for a church full of spirit and people. My Mother wanted a big church that was both innovative and thriving, as well as rich in youth activities. I had always held a special place in my heart for my Mother's mother's church, a church in the neighborhood, that has been struggling to hang on for yours. A small church, with a predominantly "gray" population and somewhat antiquated. You see, I don't like crowds. Over the years I have gone to those churches appealing to my husband, Mother and son, and what I found were those same snooty cliques, full of pretentious idealism's and not really there for the right reasons. I didn't want a status symbol church where I might not ever know my pastor and I would blend into the scenery because of who I am. I wanted a church where I could be me and I wouldn't be judged based on economics and what I wore to church. My Grandmother's church is like that.
So, we went last night to Bible study. We were welcomed and I felt comfortable. We were already known because of my Grandmother and because the Youth Minister is down the line kin to us. I felt comfortable, however I did not like the sermon. Keep in mind, this guy isn't the pastor.
The sermon was on living as a Christian and that you cannot just talk the talk, but you must walk it as well. Okay, I agree, but he went on to say he had overheard conversations over the years about different people in the congregation who were not exactly saintly and had had some struggles in the past/present and he said red flags should go up with those people; they are not Christians. He said some more, but in essence, it was the same. He had that I have alwys been the good Christian boy look and he did talk the talk, but I just was turned off and somewhat offended. I agree that as Christians we should strive for walking and talking synonymously, however sometimes we struggle (most times) and just being in the right atmosphere and trying to do the right thing is just the thing you need to do. You know, fake it till you make it. I don't think God meant for us to be judgmental and call out those people, who believe themselves Christians, but who aren't pious and rigid like others.
I have defended my faith even in my darkest hours. I may not have been living right, but I knew God hadn't abandoned me, quite the opposite. I have had several heated conversations over the years by those I call "soothsayers," you know them, the ones who try to push religion down your throat and tell you how to have a relationship with God. If you believe, you don't need anyone telling you how to pray and give praise. I have always felt a person's relationship with God is very personal.
Anyway, after the service I told my Mother how I felt, but we both agreed this church needs us and we need a church.
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