Life goes on....

I don't even know what to think, and what's funny, is depending on which moment I am thinking depends on my take on the whole situation. Mmmmmm, must be those multiple personalities. I could take the victim approach, but even I wouldn't believe I was a victim for very long, just maybe an idiot.

I am rather personal, and pride plays a huge role in what I can actually divulge or even admit to another person, much less myself. I could say what happened today, but does it even really matter? Today is not so much the issue as the patterns are.

I have made really crappy choices and like I said earlier, depending on which moment I am thinking in depends on how I feel about it.

For years I have been thinking I have been repaying a debt for being so bad when I was younger, but even I couldn't have ran up such a debt---I saved that part for later, which is now---so what is it? I make really really bad choices??? Duh! Here comes the pitty pot part...I have seen people who make really really bad choices and they are living large. Is the devil funding their party? Is it karma and the stars? Was I born when the planets were in mass pandemonium and I am just destined to always struggle?

Don't get me wrong...I know life isn't supposed to be easy. I wouldn't want it to be. I just feel a void. I feel like I have checked out on life and I just do what is necessary to get us by. There is no true gratification. I work and I hibernate. I don't have the gumption or the funds to get out and live.

What is the deal? I know it is not supposed to be this way. It's like I said, depending on which personality is doing the thinking, you know, the immature child who thinks its bound to be someone elses fault, the maternal soul who thinks I deserved so much better and didn't live up to my potential, the philosophical analyst who wants to know how and why it all went wrong, and the English tutor who says this sentence is way grammatically incorrect and can't believe an educated person wrote it. Hell, the educated one probably didn't, it was one of the others.

See, I still have a sense of humor, I have to. I just have to work this out in my head. It isn't resolved yet either. That may be my hang-up. My other persona is determined to right the wrong. The problem with that is, the wrong has already been righted and reversing it only starts the cycle again.

Cryptic, yes. Bizarre, always. Sad, definitely. Determined, what else? Life goes on.